Let me just say that waking up the morning after a break up is the worst thing in the world. The day it happens, it never seems real. You can cry all day long and wallow in self pity, but at the same time if your friends come along, forget it even happened and think that you're better off without them. But then the morning comes, and everything rushes back. There is nothing compared to the pain of the morning after. Everything seems so dismal and you ask yourself "did that really just happen?" Of course it did, but it's hard to imagine.

You try to get back to the state you were in the night before, when it appeared that everything would be okay after all, but no amount of feel-good movies or tv shows or your favorite morning coffee can help you. Trying to go out with friends almost makes things more depressing because it's hard to stop analyzing everything that went wrong, and how you could be with that one person right now if things hadn't ended. Everything you see on the television, in real life, in music, reminds you of them. If you had the same taste in music, you can't listen to it anymore, or at least not for a long time until you can completely forget about them. It is, however, hard to forget about them when you essentially live under the same roof.

Even if they do everything in their power to avoid you, it still hurts to know that they're around and makes you feel even worse that they're completely avoiding you even though it's inevitable that you'll eventually come to an awkward face-to-face encounter, even though you'll still pretend the other person doesn't exist.

Going home doesn't help because you can't stop thinking about what the other person is doing, how much fun they're having without you, especially the night before. Did he get completely wasted and decide to hit on another girl, one who is prettier, smarter, nicer, more sane, less complicated? Being home also just makes you numb during the situation. Home is an escape from reality, and immediately when you go back to school, you're going to feel the same hurt you just barely got rid of. Because you're going to witness that person, know they're avoiding you.

Even the prospect of having others who DO want you doesn't help, because you only want the person who left you.

When you try to speak to that person, they ignore you completely. Nothing works, because they want nothing to do with you, even if you don't know what you did wrong. It's not even that you want to get back with them, it's the fact that you want to remain civil, have the person you were with the most and spent most of your free time with want to still remain in your life. It's especially hard when you met them at the beginning of the school year and ended up spending time with that person and the other people on your floor and neglected to find anyone else because 1.) you're one of those people who doesn't need a whole lot of friends and 2.) there wasn't a forseeable end to the relationship.

So what can I do?

I can't figure out how I manage to ruin any relationship (both platonic and romantic) so easily. It must be something in the water, or my coffee, because I certainly can't figure out how I can turn something that seems like it would work so well to something that, in turn, completely fails. However, I do imagine that it's my own insecurities that causes others to dislike me. Not only that, but I make everything incredibly difficult. The simplest situations that could be resolved in a flash are turned into all-out wars. The worst part is that it's never their fault, it's always mine. So, what can I do? Am I completely doomed to live a life alone because people just can't handle me, especially those I legitimately like?

I was reading something a girl I used to know wrote, where she wrote the term "serial monogamist." I fit the term "serial monogamist" better than anyone I've ever met, really. I jump from one relationship to another, those relationships, while many last a good deal of time (and sometimes not). No matter what the length of them are, they're usually pretty intense at the least. She wrote that this is our instinct, we're supposed to jump from one person to another, but who really wants that? As she said, we're constantly at war with ourselves because we all want to fight this instinct, no one wants to be alone. In fact, ending up alone is usually a human's greatest fear. When we walk into a new relationship, our first thought is probably not "well, this is going to end badly." We go into it trying to find love, our perfect fit, "the one," without the intention of breaking up in the future. Some people, including me, may not believe in the sanctity of marriage, but that certainly doesn't mean I want to go into a relationship knowing it could never last.

When I was younger, I used to take all my anger out either through writing or music, which I no longer do. There was no better way for me to get out my feelings or get not upset at others. Back then, I could keep things like that under control. My irrational attitude generally stems from the things in my past that I've suppressed and choose not to talk about. I could write about it back then and keep it to myself, but I eventually stopped. I assumed that someday I would find someone I would be able to admit these things to, but never did (partly because I didn't want to look for sympathy, be a depressing human being, and because of embarrassment). 

There are those I think I can talk to, but who end up leaving because they would rather have someone more simple. I admit, I make things complicated, and I'm not the easiest person to deal with. I feel like I have such a different mindset than everyone else. I process things weird, I think about things in a strange manner, and I find it hard to lead the kind of life I see most girls living. I constantly analyze everything and imagine odd scenarios, and actually, I just can't explain it. I'm not a simple person. I can never truly relax because my mind is running at all times. Something just will not turn off.

Someday I'll change. Though I may never be the simple person I feel that everyone else can be, I'll find a way to relax and actually enjoy myself. I'm not an unhappy person at all, but there is something hindering me from always being content. It's hard when people come in and out of your life so quickly because they can no longer stand to be around you. When it happens enough times, you can get incredibly scared and it turns into a pattern. It's not that you're not compatible with the other, it's just that it's going to be that way with every person until the other finally understands you. And then, eventually, it ends. The complications, the anger, the ridiculous fights about nothing, everything. I can't break away from the pattern because it's my fault, and the other party gives up because they can't handle it. And the thing is, I can't blame them. How could you blame them? They're never at fault for anything, I can only put the weight on myself. I can't walk around and say that those who have left for something better are the ones who are causing all my problems. Especially since it all begins with me in the first place. While the patterns that continue with them are what's making me this way, it has and always will be my fault.

Someday I'll get it.

I'm so tired and restless. I want to travel more than anything... I just need to leave and be alone.

I am stupid. So, so stupid. I figured out why I hated Mason so much. I hadn't let go of everyone back home and couldn't enjoy myself because I missed everyone too much. But now I HAVE let go of everyone from here. I barely talk to them anymore. I mean obviously there were some aspects of Mason that I hated, some people that really annoyed me, but I'm going to find that at any school.

I really want to be at GMU or GWU. Mostly GWU because it's awesome. But I'm really regretting leaving right now.

I really need school to start because I'm getting sick of everything and everyone. I got to Boston last night and was all set to see Honest Thomas and chill at Kevin's apartment for the night considering they're all moving to San Francisco on Tuesday, but 30 minutes after I met up with Kev and got to the show and everything I went back to NH to go to the hospital, because OH HEY my grandpa is there and apparently dying because he had a massive heart attack. No one told me this because they didn't want to "worry me" (I know their intentions are good but COME ON) until recently but apparently he was put in the hospital a couple weeks ago and only had 24 hours to live.

What.

If anyone knows me, they know that my grandparents are the most important people in my life. They are the only people in my life who have ever loved me unconditionally, supported me, and have actually been there for me. If and when something ever happens to them, I will be completely crushed. I mean, I know everyone dies and all that jazz, but I don't even know if I could handle that. They are more parents to me than my parents ever could be. So for my family to not even notify me that he only had 24 hours to live FOR OVER 2 WEEKS is pretty fucking ridiculous. Had they told me as soon as they had this information, I would have stopped whatever the hell I was doing and made my way to NH to see him immediately. Luckily, he made it through and is still living, but he's waiting to have triple bypass surgery.

I don't even know what to do. I'm being a negative Nancy, but I'm upset and don't have anyone to talk to anymore because I stopped trusting everyone around me and I find that everyone I try to be friends with are completely unreliable. If I make the effort to contact someone, can't they take like 5 seconds out of their day to pick up a phone? not that difficult.

I'm definitely overreacting right now, but I guess that's just the mood I'm in. I'll eventually be positive again, once this is all over and done with.

So I actually miss DC. WHAT. I thought all the murder, crime, assholes, and general boringness would save me from this fate, but no.


There's about 20 turkeys in my yard right now. Welcome to Vermont.

Writing is what I want to do with my life, yet I can never come up with anything worth saying. I'm thinking that this was a bad career choice. I mean, I'm not even good at it. Although UVM doesn't have a journalism major like GMU did, I'm sort of relieved because writing AP style articles was the bane of my existence. It's just so restricted and everything has to be completely uniform and precise. If I'm going to do something I'm unsure about, it should at least be more creative.

Summer has been flying by and I haven't done anything too exciting. I had all these big plans and ideas, but nothing really came of it. Usually people end up blowing me off (or vice versa) and I just work instead. I should just meet someone and ~*fall in love*~ so I can actually occupy my time more but it's not probably not worth it. It would be convenient at times though... I hate being by myself at night and hearing those stupid trains whistle because THEY SCARE ME TO DEATH. I don't even know why... it's just so creepy! And while I generally enjoy thunder and lightning storms, I don't like being alone in my house with the power out with lightning lighting up all the rooms and having the walls and floors shake from the thunder. I'm usually fine with being alone, but there are those times that I would rather have someone around. And of course as soon as I start writing this, a thunder and lightning storm just HAPPENS to occur.

I would write more but I'm too tired to form a coherent sentence. But instead of going to bed I'll most likely get hungry, make cookies, and listen to cello sonatas. I'm living the high life, I know.