I can't figure out how I manage to ruin any relationship (both platonic and romantic) so easily. It must be something in the water, or my coffee, because I certainly can't figure out how I can turn something that seems like it would work so well to something that, in turn, completely fails. However, I do imagine that it's my own insecurities that causes others to dislike me. Not only that, but I make everything incredibly difficult. The simplest situations that could be resolved in a flash are turned into all-out wars. The worst part is that it's never their fault, it's always mine. So, what can I do? Am I completely doomed to live a life alone because people just can't handle me, especially those I legitimately like?

I was reading something a girl I used to know wrote, where she wrote the term "serial monogamist." I fit the term "serial monogamist" better than anyone I've ever met, really. I jump from one relationship to another, those relationships, while many last a good deal of time (and sometimes not). No matter what the length of them are, they're usually pretty intense at the least. She wrote that this is our instinct, we're supposed to jump from one person to another, but who really wants that? As she said, we're constantly at war with ourselves because we all want to fight this instinct, no one wants to be alone. In fact, ending up alone is usually a human's greatest fear. When we walk into a new relationship, our first thought is probably not "well, this is going to end badly." We go into it trying to find love, our perfect fit, "the one," without the intention of breaking up in the future. Some people, including me, may not believe in the sanctity of marriage, but that certainly doesn't mean I want to go into a relationship knowing it could never last.

When I was younger, I used to take all my anger out either through writing or music, which I no longer do. There was no better way for me to get out my feelings or get not upset at others. Back then, I could keep things like that under control. My irrational attitude generally stems from the things in my past that I've suppressed and choose not to talk about. I could write about it back then and keep it to myself, but I eventually stopped. I assumed that someday I would find someone I would be able to admit these things to, but never did (partly because I didn't want to look for sympathy, be a depressing human being, and because of embarrassment). 

There are those I think I can talk to, but who end up leaving because they would rather have someone more simple. I admit, I make things complicated, and I'm not the easiest person to deal with. I feel like I have such a different mindset than everyone else. I process things weird, I think about things in a strange manner, and I find it hard to lead the kind of life I see most girls living. I constantly analyze everything and imagine odd scenarios, and actually, I just can't explain it. I'm not a simple person. I can never truly relax because my mind is running at all times. Something just will not turn off.

Someday I'll change. Though I may never be the simple person I feel that everyone else can be, I'll find a way to relax and actually enjoy myself. I'm not an unhappy person at all, but there is something hindering me from always being content. It's hard when people come in and out of your life so quickly because they can no longer stand to be around you. When it happens enough times, you can get incredibly scared and it turns into a pattern. It's not that you're not compatible with the other, it's just that it's going to be that way with every person until the other finally understands you. And then, eventually, it ends. The complications, the anger, the ridiculous fights about nothing, everything. I can't break away from the pattern because it's my fault, and the other party gives up because they can't handle it. And the thing is, I can't blame them. How could you blame them? They're never at fault for anything, I can only put the weight on myself. I can't walk around and say that those who have left for something better are the ones who are causing all my problems. Especially since it all begins with me in the first place. While the patterns that continue with them are what's making me this way, it has and always will be my fault.

Someday I'll get it.